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The Four Agreements Never Assume

October 11th, 2021

Why do people think this is the case? Here are some common reasons I encounter: “Making assumptions in our relationships is really about problems. We often assume that our partners know what we think and that we don`t need to say what we want. We expect them to do what we want because they know us so well. If they don`t do what you think they should do, you`ll feel so hurt and say, “You should have known.” The problem with assumptions is that we think they are the truth! We invent a whole story that is for us only for the truth, but we believe in it. One hypothesis leads to another hypothesis; We jump to conclusions and take our story very personally. Then we blame others and we react by sending emotional poison with our word. Making assumptions and taking them personally creates a lot of emotional poison, which creates quite a great drama for nothing. We make assumptions, we think we`re right about our assumptions, and then we defend our assumptions and try to do someone else wrong. We even assume that we are right about something, to the point of destroying relationships to defend our position. It helped me pay attention to the times when I feel like I`m getting upset or hurt by a comment someone made to me. It helped me realize how many assumptions I make every day and how I can prevent it when I catch them. In the example you have on “Assumptions & Truth vs.

Fantasy ” in an uncertain relationship, I wonder how “not to deal with the uncomfortable truth that your partner may not be able to water you” (so take other reasons) and how “being a mirror to one another” is not a simple personalization. Instead of having vulnerable and difficult conversations that could perhaps turn your world upside down, avoid them. What if he says something you don`t want to hear? What if his answer meant you had to leave him, something you can`t stand? No, it`s better to live happily ignorant and think that it`s because of a story you feel more comfortable with. Or maybe you think your love will change it – a very dangerous fantasy, because you can never change another person. You must want to change yourself. I appreciate your comment. Thank you very much for your kind words. Not taking things personally and not making assumptions is very closely related, because the two are based on our own reality. If you can accept that other people have different realities of you (based on their beliefs, experiences, etc.), you can begin to see that their words and actions relate to them, not to you. This applies to both agreements, because they go hand in hand.

We assume we know what people think, and then we customize it to do it about ourselves. If you`re waiting for a text from someone and they don`t come, you may think it`s because they`ve met someone else. It`s both hypothesis (you don`t know if he`s met someone) and personalization (you think it`s because you`re not good enough). . . .


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